Blog, Mental Health

Rollercoaster

Rollercoaster.

Wow, I’ve been up and down with posting recently, publishing and deleting posts, getting into a funk about blogging (and life) and just generally being a mess.

The last month my mind has been racing, overthinking, putting too much importance on things that just don’t matter. My dreams have been crazy, the same dreams as when I was going through burnout. I’m not sure where it’s all bubbling up from, but some fissure must have cracked open somewhere in the depths of my brain…!

As all this is happening, though, I’ve been able to sit outside of it a few times. I know my brain is telling me fibs. I know that everything isn’t as doom and gloom as my mind is telling me. In riding this rollercoaster, there are a few ups, as well as downs (also loop-the-loops!).

In riding this out, my constant is the earth, the seasons, the slow, steady change. The storm tosses me around, but under my feet, all is still. I can sit, bare feet in the grass, watching branches swaying slowly in a breeze. When I am empty and wrung out, I can sit by a pond and watch the frogs laze in the shallows. When my soul cries for something more, I stand in moonlight, eyes reflecting that ghostly glow. It’s all still here.

It’s ok, this wild ride. It’s so hard to have compassion for myself, to let whatever-this-is just flow out. The voice that’s telling myself I can’t do this, the darkness that shrouds my view some days. The chopping and changing as my mind works through yet another bubble of something that has risen up from the murky depths…! It’s all ok.

Yesterday, I slept. Arms of lead, mind of cotton wool, unseeing eyes… and today, peace is settling. The sun is one-day-hot and the tantalising hint of summer to come is seeping into my bones. I’ll put back all the things I deleted, and carry on. One foot in front of the other. The rollercoaster slows and pulls back into the platform.


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