And after the storm
So, I haven’t written for a while, with the exception of the frustration of we must, brought about by the relentless despair of events across the world recently. The world was just too much. My world was just too much. But I’m back and feeling refreshed and way more settled.
I thought what I wanted was more of a challenge, so I left my part time job and got a job back in management. After just one day I knew I’d made a huge mistake. I walked out, leaving myself with no job at all and a huge mess of my own making. At this time, I also got diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which, although not being the best news in the world, made me feel glad that I hadn’t been imagining the slow decline in my physical ability, the inability to remember words for things, and the constant need to have a nap every day! Everything seemed to fall into place.
With that news, I knew I just had to stop. Stop punishing myself for messing up my work life. Stop worrying about money. Stop beating myself up for gaining so much weight. It was a big relief, in some ways. It’s time. Just. Stop.
I started to listen to myself. I revived my interest in the old ways, in listening to the turning of the world, in thought and touch and wonder. I started to slow down and let go of all the pent up frustration, the feeling that I should be something more, the expectation of myself, the spring coil. I felt the anger at having to stop personal training, working through the storm of bitterness and disappointment. I started to eat more colours, rainbow vegetables, relishing the crunch of fruit.
We went on holiday and for the first time in ages, I stopped caring about my body and my weight. I left all my makeup at home, let my hair go wild, and jumped in the freezing sea in a swimming costume without a care in the world. I couldn’t remember the last time I wasn’t trying to hide myself in a towel or suck in my stomach, including when I was a lot fitter. It was brilliant. Somehow, finally, I’d turned that corner I’d been aiming around for my entire 30’s. Acceptance. Peace. Knowledge that a body is just a body, that my body is my body, that I am something more.
And so, now I have time to think. I’m learning to take a break before I get exhausted. I’m learning to plan food to avoid grabbing pot noodles at every opportunity. I’m loving eating plant based foods, feeling more in tune with the passing wheel of the year, and I feel I’m growing into myself, finally.
To work for a reason is important to me, to work for my ego is not. Finding a way to thrive, spreading good energy to others, helping out, supporting and coaching. Creating. Writing. Growing. Exploring and travelling. These are the things in which I find myself. And at last that is beginning to come from within.