I’ve spent this year learning. Not book learning, but the sort of learning that can only come from crashing and burning, from reaching out for help, from finally understanding yourself in a deeper way.
The things I’ve discovered call for time. For weighing up, for research, evaluation. For bravery and for determination. This year has been a rollercoaster, albeit behind the scenes. I’ve fallen and rebuilt myself, emerging wide-eyed, a person with purpose, a person with possibility.
This afternoon I sat in the silence of a doctor’s waiting room. An unfamiliar setting, a new experience. I listened as the doctor told me I had massive Vitamin D deficiency, and borderline hypothyroidism. I got tablets for the vitamin D. I got a 3-month check-in for the thyroid.
Being told what was wrong with me was a massive relief. I’d spent the past few months thinking I’d imagined it, that it was part of the counselling process to feel lethargic. But my head felt infinitely better, I just had no energy to do any of the things I’d been waiting years to realise I could do. I wanted to begin this chapter with positivity, with authenticity, not to continue to dream and imagine and only feel my experiences in watercolour. The step out of my comfort zone to the doctors gave me the push I needed to make some decisions.
In October I sat down and evaluated my experiences. I took my learning, all those shades of me, and embraced it with a vigour I’d never felt before. With that squeeze of sudden love came a realisation. I no longer need to bend and change to the popular opinion, scared of anyone finding a reason to dislike me. I need to take that INFP in charge, to nurture my self and enjoy my talents, to admit I have a dream and to try my damned hardest to make that dream my livelihood.
So I come out and say it all, shout it from the rooftops at the end of this year. I survived and I love this life of possibility. I know myself more and that new authenticity drives me now.
I want to explore veganism on a deeper level than I have been doing. I want to get more involved in green politics, in caring for our world. I want to re-awaken my deep love for Reiki and the spiritual path that comes with it. I want to get better and rediscover the energy that had me running through mud and shouting into the wind.
I want to write and blog and support myself with One Empty Shelf in an ethical, simple and truthful way. I want to meet people who share my passions, people who inspire me to be the best human I can be, people who’ll talk endlessly and intelligently about the big questions deep into the night, people who’ll pick up a guitar, or a harmonica, or a voice, and create beauty from nothingness.
I want to write truthful words and live truthful days. I want to grow and shine upon the earth.