Blog, Mental Health, Self Discovery

Yet so far

I wrote this post at the start of 2013 at a time of hard decisions. Since then things have changed a lot. Offices aren’t for me, but if life demands it, you do what you gotta do. It captures my feelings at that time.

6 days to go. 6 days until I suck it up, give up my dream, and return, yawning, bleary-eyed and grey, to the daily commute.

The 6am alarm, the business dress, the train ride…oh the train ride, crammed in carriages full of stifled dreams, caffeine coursing through our veins, watching longingly out of the dirt-smeared windows as dawn rises over yet another city, wishing to feel the breeze, smell the new day, run our hands through dew still clinging to new grass.

I broke free. I took a chance, leaping enthusiastically into myself, hoping, expecting. Money would flow, awaking in the daylight every day, by choice. Saying yes to a new social world. Releasing the rat race pressure and laughing at those continuing their daily grind. Why do they stay if they hate their jobs? I laughed to myself. Funny how karma comes around.

Money did not flow. I am a thinker, not a doer. Stepping out my comfort zone…there had to be an easier way. So yes, I enjoyed my friends, my life, seeing my husband, being outside. But still the money did not flow. I tried positive thinking, advertising, websites, shopping centres, networking, fairs, free sessions….still the money did not flow. And then it ran out.

It destroyed me. Accepting I failed. Accepting I was broke. Accepting being paid for. Every time I heard the name of my business it hurt. I became lost, again, stuck in the same old cycle, familiar feelings circling round and round, dark birds against a stormy sky.

But I learnt. Those unwilling lessons. I learnt about myself.

Applying what I discovered, my little business has some seeds of hope. A new approach, getting out and doing it, forgetting the shiny shiny cards and websites and car magnets. Opportunities spring, mimicking the season, little shoots emerging from dark. But for what now?

This time next week I will be watching this crisp, watery sunshine from an office window. But for the guilt I would carry on my freedom. But for the pressure of owing my other half 6 months mortgage and bills. I want to crumple, hide away from the beautiful scenery outside, laughing in my face, teasing me with a time limit for which to enjoy it. My god I’ve learnt something these last few months. That to play to your strengths, you must work on your weaknesses. It takes a long time to start to know yourself, and I know this. I want to be free, I want to live and work on my own terms, I want to control my life.

I could have done so much, I think to myself. Steam from a hot mug of tea condensing on the window pane, obscuring my view. If only, if only, if only.

I shake my head and wipe the window with my sleeve. I needed this break. I needed to go through this time, break down, crashing and burning and bringing all that shit down with me. To rebuild. Knowing what I want. Knowing me, the real me, not the vogue styled person I thought I should be. To rise, shakily, blinking, but fiercely determined.

But for what? I set my tea down on the sill. Wrapping my arms around my knees, gazing down the valley, mills rising out of the mist. Breath releasing with a slight tremor.

6 days.