Last night I was miserable, moaning. In a dark mood, feeling an anger inside that ground me down. I sat on the settee and harrumphed, feeling ever-so-sorry for myself. I hate feeling like this, I told myself for the thousandth time. If only…
…and then it hit me. I really, really dislike this person I’m becoming. Cynical. Miserable. Pessimistic. If I could just step outside that for a moment, gain some perspective… and then, miraculously, I did.
I don’t want to be this person any more, I said. Let’s go for a walk.
We toddled up the hill at 9.30pm to watch the clouds scudding across the sky, and dusk fall on the valley. I breathed in sweet air, and let my eyes wander across that long view of green, with moorland settling down in the distance and lights twinkly in the mills below. We leant on a stone wall and talked about frustration, and reaction, and being, and the dusk settled gradually around us as we made our way back home. I think in that moment I reached the end of something. I walked out of one person and into the next.
This morning, I looked back at my themes for this year. Strength, openness, positive impact. I feel I’ve made good progress with the first two, but the third has been hard to quantify. I sat awhile and thought about my responses and reactions, inner thoughts, comparison, value. Last night something clicked for me, about choice. I choose to leave that negative person. I’ve learnt well from her, and now it is time to move on.
It is hard to see the choices I have sometimes. Every decision is clouded by circumstance, experience, emotion. To step outside of that and look objectively at myself as a whole is something new, but welcome. A step forwards, refreshing, intriguing.
I’m better at having that acceptance for experience these days. To look back and learn from it. I think sometimes we have to go through something to learn from it, to take that learning forward into our next stage of life. I feel it’s time to gather those lessons, shake off the excess, and step onto a new path.
Let’s see where it takes me.