Blog, Self Discovery

Choice

Choice.

Last night I was miserable, moaning. In a dark mood, feeling an anger inside that ground me down. I sat on the settee and harrumphed, feeling ever-so-sorry for myself. I hate feeling like this, I told myself for the thousandth time. If only…

…and then it hit me. I really, really dislike this person I’m becoming. Cynical. Miserable. Pessimistic. If I could just step outside that for a moment, gain some perspective… and then, miraculously, I did.
I don’t want to be this person any more, I said. Let’s go for a walk.

We toddled up the hill at 9.30pm to watch the clouds scudding across the sky, and dusk fall on the valley. I breathed in sweet air, and let my eyes wander across that long view of green, with moorland settling down in the distance and lights twinkly in the mills below. We leant on a stone wall and talked about frustration, and reaction, and being, and the dusk settled gradually around us as we made our way back home. I think in that moment I reached the end of something. I walked out of one person and into the next.

This morning, I looked back at my themes for this year. Strength, openness, positive impact. I feel I’ve made good progress with the first two, but the third has been hard to quantify. I sat awhile and thought about my responses and reactions, inner thoughts, comparison, value. Last night something clicked for me, about choice. I choose to leave that negative person. I’ve learnt well from her, and now it is time to move on.

It is hard to see the choices I have sometimes. Every decision is clouded by circumstance, experience, emotion. To step outside of that and look objectively at myself as a whole is something new, but welcome. A step forwards, refreshing, intriguing.

I’m better at having that acceptance for experience these days. To look back and learn from it. I think sometimes we have to go through something to learn from it, to take that learning forward into our next stage of life. I feel it’s time to gather those lessons, shake off the excess, and step onto a new path.

Let’s see where it takes me.

 

4 thoughts on “Choice

  1. I have so been there with you. I also have felt that getting outside has helped me to gain perspective, and as you say, step out of being one person and into being another. I know I don’t comment all the time, but I do read your posts — usually they come in via my phone and I hate typing long responses with a thumb and a finger, lol. But you have made a positive impact. It may seem small, but every time I see a post from you, I do feel a calmness settle over me. It may be that I know you have that lovely Scottish accent that I hear being spoken aloud (in my head) as I read your posts, or your beautiful prose, or, you know what? It’s both! So yes, you are having a positive impact, just by sharing a part of yourself, so openly and so beautifully. Thank you.

    1. Hi Terri 🙂 that means a lot to me, thank you! I think I need to remember this more. I love that you say it makes you feel calm – It calms me to write, too, so I love that small connection across the waves!
      I’m thinking of doing some more video/reading things again, too. I got rid of my youtube channel a while back but something is drawing me to explore other ways of making posts. So fingers crossed I’ll manage it in the not too distant future!
      I fully agree with the perspective just being outdoors can help us gain. Here’s to many more happy wanderings…
      Sal x

  2. “I walked out of one person and into another” – love that line. Adore those quiet moments of realisation where we make a single choice to do something different and a seismic shift occurs. I felt this way repeatedly in my 30s – each time closer to something and happier for shucking off another layer. So happy that you took that walk – sounds beautiful and magical.

    1. Thank you Lou! It felt very small and subtle, yet huge at the same time. But in a quiet way!
      Yes, 30’s seems to be full of shifts – some forwards, some backwards, many entirely sideways! Not too sure where the destination is, but just going with the flow 🙂
      Sal x

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