Hello, hello, hello….
A few things have happened in recent times, although it seems writing blog posts hasn’t been one of them, unfortunately! But here I am – armed with a cup of slowly curdling soy-milk coffee and some fake mint Poppets from Aldi…
I think I’ve been affected more than I thought by the building work going on all around the house. It feels strange, but I felt a sort of pain as each tree was cut down, each field dug up. Now I feel my house isn’t a home any longer – I feel I just want to run from it, rather than shelter in it, and I feel rather unsettled. Not a good base for inspiration, which is why, I think, that I’ve found it hard to write on here. My get away space now hums to the tune of dumper trucks, hammer drills and quarrying instead of birdsong and breezes rustling through leaves. And so, we look forwards. To other houses, other opportunities. And with that decision, comes a new light. Possibility, and once again, a little chink of inspiration.
I’ve been collecting ideas, things I want to try out on the blog. More images, little thoughts, brief snaps. Thrift finds, creations, big thoughts, natural wonders, simplicity. Some small poems and some longer writing. Tasty food made from plants. The odd song, or story. I’ll try it all and see how it settles down. What’s important is the doing. The decisions. The action.
It’s been a time of trying to get my head around things. Wondering if I’m making the right choices, wondering why I can’t settle on one clear path. Realising that having no clear path is actually way more interesting, and getting diverted by side-roads and snickelways.
I’ve been settling into the realisation that now, at 34, I really am a proper grown-up. I know the decisions I’ve made are right for me – it’s just standing up to the opinions of the world that sways me a little. I don’t want a big house – just one surrounded by nature. I don’t want kids, never have – but those ‘knowing’ glances and ‘you will one day’ comments are driving me to distraction. I don’t fit into a typical beauty mould and wouldn’t change it for the world – but quietly, I can’t shake the feeling that somehow I don’t measure up. Society is a weird one. I think a culmination of everything – recovering from depression, accepting the chronic fatigue that forced me to give up my fitness career, going back into management, albeit part-time…..it’s a lot for a little brain with a tendency to overthink. I thought at 30, I had it figured. Same at 31, 32, 33… time is ticking on and I wonder when that niggling worry will disappear, if ever.
But I’m more at ease with it now, I feel. Accepting. I’m rather looking forward to the winding road rather than the motorway. I’ve found it hard in the past to speak honestly about things – mental health, physical health, hopes, dreams, distractions. But with acceptance of self, that honesty starts to flow. To open that dialogue, to learn from people. So I’ll write those words, think those thoughts, have those conversations, and try to look forward, rather than back.
So, in a nutshell, for the TL;DR crowd – more posts are coming, more often 🙂
Now, back to my curdled coffee…. :/