I’m fed up of feeling ‘fat’. Fed up of ‘wrinkles’. Fed up of comparing myself to others. Exhausted, worn to the bone, world-weary, soul weary. Every day, avoiding those mirrors,tired of raising my eyes to the reflection, just to watch hope shimmer and die back at me in those large, black pupils.
I’m fed up of feeling like I’m not enough, of comparison, of expectation, of the endless should-haves. Lists of regrets, failed projects, idols, gurus, the like, the fading light. I am exhausted.
Worn down by endless media, pictures, people. I am exhausted. We are exhausted.
And so I decide. I wake up one morning, feeble winter light creating watercolour wash upon my skin. I breathe thin air, and clarity settles. I decide, and a weight lifts.
I am healthy – healthy enough to enjoy each and every day. I am quiet but I care. I feel years beyond my own, thoughts beyond my soul. I fit in this world, a hand on a tree trunk, a breath on a mountain, a footprint washed away on a shore. Traces of me, carried away in time. I am a human, a body, a part of a journey larger than any of us really comprehend.
Daily worries, those niggles of today’s comparisons – they pale into insignificance. I realise now.
It’s easy to remain chained to that small field of vision, of living life according to our ideas of how we measure up compared to someone, anyone else. Of staying in the shadow of a grain of sand, never seeing beyond it, blind to the mountains and oceans beyond. It takes courage, and it takes strength. But now I know myself.
And of courage, and of strength… that is what I am made of.