Should I apply for that job? Should I start a new hobby? Should I make new plans? Should I change my life?
Endless questions run around my head, spinning in an infinity loop, tiring and exhausting and relentless. There’s always a new quote to take on board, a new person to compare myself to, a new career to aspire to, a new product, even a new minimalist.
I see people who are ‘more minimalist’ than me, and I want to declutter more. I see people slimmer than me and I want to exercise differently. I hear a new band and I feel I should know all of their back catalogue, just in case someone asks. I hear people with differing opinions and my INFP self wants to agree with them just for an easy life, even if I entirely disagree. I can’t stand any form of conflict. I talk to someone with different musical tastes and I feel I should learn more about different genres, immediately. In the midst of all of this constant pressure, I just feel, well, that I’m kinda losing me.
Pulled in so many different directions, it’s time to just stop, take stock and remember to simplify. By taking on too many interests all at once, I run the risk of losing myself in these circling thoughts and ‘shoulds’ of this 21st century life.
All these thoughts just aren’t useful. The only purpose they’re serving is to confuse my mind and dilute my sense of self. It’s time to leave it all behind. Clear out the junk and donate it to the metaphorical charity shop, just as I would with physical clutter.
And so I choose a couple of areas to focus on and I choose to trust my instincts. A personal journey. A re-awakening of self. I know I focus too much on image and slowly, I’m working to let it go. I want to go through my life as my self, not as a diluted shadow, governed by the whims, impressions and ideas of others. And so.
I focus on the old ways, nature, wild places, trees and rocks and waves. Plants as food and exploration as exercise. Deep thoughts and eclectic humour. Self-love over self-hate. Peace over noise. Music. Words.Walking. Creating.
Everything else is clutter, but clutter of a different kind. And I must remember that. When faced with whirling thoughts and self doubt, I take comfort in the fact that I can rid myself of the excess just as I would a cluttered kitchen drawer. Leave it all behind and keep only what’s necessary.
And the journey of figuring out just what is necessary continues.