And after the storm

So, I haven’t written for a while, with the exception of the frustration of we must, brought about by the relentless despair of events across the world recently. The world was just too much. My world was just too much. But I’m back and feeling refreshed and way more settled.

I thought what I wanted was more of a challenge, so I left my part time job and got a job back in management. After just one day I knew I’d made a huge mistake. I walked out, leaving myself with no job at all and a huge mess of my own making. At this time, I also got diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which, although not being the best news in the world, made me feel glad that I hadn’t been imagining the slow decline in my physical ability, the inability to remember words for things, and the constant need to have a nap every day! Everything seemed to fall into place.

With that news, I knew I just had to stop. Stop punishing myself for messing up my work life. Stop worrying about money. Stop beating myself up for gaining so much weight. It was a big relief, in some ways. It’s time. Just. Stop.

I started to listen to myself. I revived my interest in the old ways, in listening to the turning of the world, in thought and touch and wonder. I started to slow down and let go of all the pent up frustration, the feeling that I should be something more, the expectation of myself, the spring coil. I felt the anger at having to stop personal training, working through bitterness and disappointment. I started to eat more colours, rainbow vegetables, relishing the crunch of fruit.

We went on holiday and for the first time in ages, I stopped caring about my body and my weight. I left all my makeup at home, let my hair go wild, and jumped in the freezing sea in a swimming costume without a care in the world. I couldn’t remember the last time I wasn’t trying to hide myself in a towel or suck in my stomach, including when I was a lot fitter. It was brilliant. Somehow, finally, I’d turned that corner I’d been aiming around for my entire 30’s. Acceptance. Peace. Knowledge that a body is just a body, that my body is my body, that I am something more.

And so, now I have time to think. I’m learning to take a break before I get exhausted. I’m learning to plan food to avoid grabbing pot noodles at every opportunity. I’m loving eating plant based foods, feeling more in tune with the passing wheel of the year, and I feel I’m growing into myself, finally.

To work for a reason is important to me, to work for my ego is not. Finding a way to thrive, spreading good energy to others, helping out, supporting and coaching. Creating. Writing. Growing. Exploring and travelling. These are the things in which I find myself. And at last that is beginning to come from within.

I’m playing about with videos at the moment. You can check out my not-at-all daily vlogs on YouTube.


4 thoughts on “And after the storm

  1. Thanks for sharing this. It’s really inspirationall. So many of us struggle against our wants for what we think we have to do like work in a busy role because our ego tells us it’s important. . I love the idea of acceptance and of eating in the seasons. Good luck with finding joyful work

  2. Thank you for putting my exact feelings into words! I loved the part of going on holiday without makeup, letting your hair go ‘au natural’ and feeling at peace with that, at peace with your body because you are more than your body. So true. Congrats on feeling ‘refreshed and more settled’!

  3. I have been struggling with a lot of stuff lately so I know how you feel. I have been super stressed about money and how little I have after my committed expenses are taken care of. I’m very glad for you you have been able to recognize what was happening and then make changes to rectify it. Kudos to you for realizing management was not the answer, I think all that does is add stress to your life. As for me, I’ve been trying to change the housing situation but it’s not looking good so far. Trying to stay positive but some days it is really hard to do so. I like how you said Just. Stop. I need to remember that. Thank you for a great post.

Comments are closed.