Back at the end of autumn last year, I made some ‘new year’ resolutions. One of those was to finally put more effort into my blog, into writing, into the one thing I really, really love to do.
I wanted to make this year the year I could finally push myself and start trying out all of the ideas I’d been making time for over the months.
I was so excited. I had, and still have, a great vision. But there’s just one catch.
It’s 4 months later and I’ve done precisely zip.
I know I’m the world’s biggest procrastinator. I’ll wander through imaginary lands, get caught up in endless internet cycles, potter about with a cloth and some polish, get sidetracked by birds, trees, and eye-catching clouds. I thought I was prepared for that, and I knew the reason. Surely now I had something to throw myself into that I really, really wanted to succeed, I’d be motivated to get it done. But, nope. Apparently not. Those imaginary lands are still calling and I can’t step outside.
Instead I’ve been carrying on with my part-time job, floating about, doing pretty much anything but the one thing I should actually be spending my time absorbed in.
I envisage how life will be in a few years time, when I’m writing, when I’m making videos, when, when, when. I conjure up success and happiness and the freedom to work when I want, on projects I really want to. But I know that those few years will pass by in the blink of an eye and I can see myself sitting in exactly the same place as I am now, wondering what the hell went wrong and lamenting yet another lack of commitment.
Is it routine that makes success? Is it passion that makes the routine? Or is it just dogged, fighting determination to grab onto that spark of possibility and never, ever let it go?
I need to fight. I need to fight my mind, away with the fairies more often than not. I need to fight expectation and hunker down to create the first routine that will ever put me closer to that place I want to be. I need to fight the temptation to give in and settle. Settling is not enough. Settling is over.
Is it possible for a master procrastinator to become a master creator?
I guess I’m fighting to find out.