Blog, Words

Frustration

It angers me how a week away can change everything. It angers me not because of the adventure, or of the laughs, or of the weight lifted from my shoulders. It angers me because a holiday is a holiday and as soon as I get back home all of that real world comes crashing back, as I try desperately to cling on to that freedom of mind, that new perspective, that truth that I saw through crystal clear eyes.

For those few days, all that mattered was experience. Nature, weather and adventure. Sea, art, shells, good food and good beer. Birds and seals, walks and runs, sunshine and rainstorms, night and day. There was no money talk, no work stress, no inevitable pressure to feel or conform or do the things that I think I should be doing.
I am angry because I can’t hold on. I can’t keep that mindset, even less than 24 hours after returning. I want to scream and shout through the frustration of it all, that life shouldn’t be a return to drudgery, that life should be a holiday every day, that I shouldn’t have to dread going to work, that I shouldn’t have to feel down about how I look or how I feel or what I haven’t achieved that day.

But for now I write, I let the words and anger pour out and bring me back to this normality, this everyday life, away from the magic and removal of those days of adventure. Away from the monotony and pressure of being home, I was a different person. That pressure, removed from my head, no worries, no what ifs, no I wants, no I shoulds. No failure, only immersion.
There, everything is achievable, everything is clear. Back here and immediately, that insight is lost. It’s back to the inevitable, back to the normal, back to staying the same. I should be able to keep that momentum, channel my energy, act on those ideas and build my life the way I want. But back to the grindstone and it all seems to start to fade.

I want to keep that clarity. But I just don’t know how.

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4 thoughts on “Frustration

  1. We used to take a few vacations a year, usually a week-long trip here or a few long weekends there. Lately, I question whether or not it is worth the stress of packing only to return to the disappointment you describe. I’ve been trying to focus on the FI we’re working for, removing emotion from the situation and being what some describe as “transactional.”

  2. I know exactly what you mean! When you find out how, let me know! I find that with three kids under 7, there isn’t a whole lot of time for the clarity to occur in the first place. Feeling more depleted and drained at the end of the holiday than I was at the beginning!!

  3. I know just what you mean! I think part of the freedom, for me, is the sense that I don’t have to be anywhere, I have no responsibility, I can just do whatever I feel like whenever I want! Real life isn’t like that 🙁 I wish it was! I used to find it really frustrating! But I’m trying to reframe it so that I try to bring perhaps a little of that freedom into my regular life, but enjoy the memories of that freedom and relaxation while planning for the next holiday (that was until we got a puppy, we haven’t been anywhere since January!! Sorely missing it!). Going for walks helps me, as does turning off my phone and watching movies with the kids. I think I just like the whole holiday concept of not having to be anywhere at a set time. I’m useless at that, and so is one of my children! (the other one is ready to go to school about half an hour before the rest of us…) and I love taking that pressure out of the equation. I hope you find some post-holiday peace Sal (and start planning your next holiday. It really does help to know when the next one is coming! I’m a teacher so I always know when the next one is coming! If I wasn’t a teacher I wouldn’t be as good at planning ahead…) 🙂

  4. I know exactly how you feel- I too spent so much time longing for that precious time away with my family, no work stress or clock-watching. I used to think the answer was booking the next holiday, attempting to have ‘something to look forward to’ every couple of months.
    However I also found it exhausting, planning, preparing and packing left me broke, often disappointed and unfulfilled.
    I have realised that saving for holidays and waiting for that precious time to relax and unwind and spend time with family has created a dissatisfaction with the other 350 days of the year.
    I now try to treat every day as a mini holiday (often difficult when I work full time in a caring profession) but I can’t live for holidays and weekends away. I am trying to save the money I would usually spend on these breaks to pay more towards my mortgage to enable me to one day pay off said mortgage and reduce my working hours, I am sure working less, relaxing more and enjoying life will make me feel better than any holiday can.
    So, I try to be mindful in how I spend my money and use my time. A simpler existence is within my grasp. I devour every word of blogs like yours to guide me to a brighter, more fulfilling future with my family.
    Many thanks for sharing your wisdom.
    Lyndy xx

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